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To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In the light of your failure in recent years to
govern yourselves half reasonably, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation'
in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint
a Governor-General, without the need for further elections.
Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may
be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
as 'colour', 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn
to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix '-ize'
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary'.)
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.
English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination
of '-ize'.
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should
only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. (Although a permit
will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.)
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts
and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/gallon. Get used to
it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call 'French fries' are not real chips and those things you insist on
calling 'potato chips' are properly called 'crisps'. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with ketchup but with malt
vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they
are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what
it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There
is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is
not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket
and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of
their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector)
from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time
begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (which you've been calling 'cookies') and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save
the Queen!
P.S.: Only share this with friends
who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!!!
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